3 Hacks for Dealing with Hurtful People
Step One: Clarify and Do Over
The first step in addressing another person’s criticism is not to take offense or even to respond to what they said but rather clarify. When you feel criticized, picked on, or attacked by someone, the first thing to do is say, “I’m sure you didn’t mean to come off as hurtful, but something about the way you said that really seemed hurtful. Can you say that again so I can hear what you’re trying to tell me?” Allow them to say it again, this time more thoughtfully.
Step Two: Don‘t Ask Permission to be Offended
Sometimes, even after you’ve told a hurtful person how much they’ve hurt you, they react by denying it. “I didn’t mean anything!” Don’t fall into this trap. The best response is to say, “Listen, I’m not asking you permission to be offended by you. I’m telling you that what you said was hurtful. If you want me to hear what you are really trying to say, you’re going to need to say it again.” Then leave it to them.
Step Three: Build Good Fences
If your attempts to clarify and be respectfully assertive are not effective, it’s time to set some boundaries. Limit your relationship to those places or contexts where the person is less likely to be hurtful. Do they do better in public? On the phone? For shorter visits? Limit the time you spend with them to these contexts as much as you can. If they complain, simply say that you’d love to get more time with them but to do that, they’d need to be more mindful about the ways they speak to you.
If you struggle setting boundaries with a hurtful person, contact Therapy Solutions to visit with one of our therapists and Take Your Life Back!