I am Drowning in Housework! What’s Wrong with me?
When your dishes are piling up, your laundry is backed up, and there are piles of random items needing to be put away, how do you respond? Are you kind to yourself? Do you have compassion for yourself? Or do you call yourself a failure, say something is wrong with you, or put yourself down by saying you are lazy?
There are many reason your house may not be clean and organized. But one of them is not because you are lazy! You have small kids, you are struggling with depression, you are a perfectionist, you have trauma, you are overwhelmed, you don’t have a lot of support at this time in your life, differing priorities, chronic pain, executive functioning challenges..
If your goal is learning how to keep your house up, while drowning the first step is changing how you think about cleaning. In How to Keep House while Drowning, by KC Davis, LPC she recommends shifting your perspective about cleaning. She suggests this:
- When your house is getting clean you are caring for your needs. Instead of saying chores, call your tasks, CARE TASKS. Start looking at cleaning your house as caring for your needs.
- You don’t exist to serve your space, your space exists to serve you. How can your home function for you? In her book, she says, “I want your home to care for you.” She gives this example, currently, if your kitchen is messy, you say you are morally not a good wife. She suggests instead asking yourself, “What makes my kitchen function for me?” She identified concrete needs. She needs dishes to eat, she needs counter space to prepare food, access to her sink and an empty trash.” Look at what you can do to care for yourself. Now you are taking action because you want your space to serve you. Keep in mind the quickest way to do something may not always work for everyone. The approach that motivates you is the most efficient for you. If you didn’t put all the clothes away but you got them all into a pile in a designated area of the room that is what works for you. Your functional house and someone else’s probably look different, and that is okay.
- STOP the negative self-talk. Instead accept what is, today and have some self-compassion for yourself! What would you tell your best friend if she was in the same situation? When you engage in statements such as. “Why is this so easy for others? What is wrong with me?” it becomes a bullying situation. Someone needs to say, “I know you feel like you are failing and you feel like something is wrong with you, but there is nothing wrong with you. It is not a moral failure to be untidy. Be gentle and kind to yourself!!
- Care tasks are morally neutral. Being good or bad at them has nothing to do with being a good person. You are not a failure because you can’t keep up with laundry. Laundry is morally neutral.
- You are already worthy not matter what. Remember this journey is not about your worthiness but a journey of care.
For concrete steps to start this journey, pick up KC Davis’s book, How to Keep House while Drowning. To learn these steps in person contact Therapy Solutions to talk to one of our mental health counselors and Take Your Life Back!