Slice of Couples Therapy
It’s Normal to Have Problems in Your Relationship
Relationships are hard and complex. You meet someone special and fall in love, the world feels amazing and perfect. Then you start noticing problems in your relationship and arguing. What happened? Why are you fighting more? How did you learn to fight within your family? The Gottmans would tell you that it’s normal to have problems in your relationship with your partner or spouse. The statistics show that 69% of all problems couples face are unresolvable (Gottman, 2014). Who are the Gottmans? The Gottmans are a famous pair of couple psychologists who have done tons of research and therapy with couples. Okay so it’s normal to have problems you can’t fix, so then how do you work on the issues with your partner?
For example, let’s say you are telling your spouse you don’t feel important to him and he takes it as criticism and becomes defensive. Then you start arguing angrily without either of you feeling understood or taking steps to work on the issue. First it is important for you to understand yourself and regulate your emotions. Take a few moments and think about what emotions you are feeling (Name it to Tame It), connect the emotions to your body sensations, identify if you have any triggers from the past, and then make sense of why the emotions are showing up. Emotions that show up tell us what is bad or good in our lives and help us make sense of ourselves and take action. If triggers are present they greatly turn up the intensity of a person’s emotions.
Take a moment to understand yourself, let’s continue with the example that you are feeling unimportant and disconnected from your spouse. You notice a heaviness in your chest. You make sense of it, you haven’t spent time together for over a month without it being to solve a problem. There is a trigger from your attachment with your parents growing up. Both of your parents worked a lot causing you to feel unimportant.
Once you understand your inner world and your emotions are regulated then try using what the Gottman’s call a gentle startup to communicate your perspective. Start by sharing what you are feeling using your “I feel” statement, then objectively describe your perspective, and then ask or tell in a gentle way what you want or need from your partner.
Let’s put it all together now. I am feeling unimportant and disconnected in our relationship. We haven’t spent time together since going out to dinner a month ago. I miss you and need some time focused on us. Let’s make dinner together this week and have your parents take the kids for a few hours.
I would encourage you to become aware of your own inner world then try using a gentle startup with your spouse this next week. Does it work everytime? No but it does work. And who knows, maybe it all will work out. You may be able to talk it out with your spouse and address the issue to meet your needs.
For more information on Couples Therapy, contact us at Therapy Solutions to talk to one of our mental health counselors and Take Your Life Back!
Written by our own Bobbie Johnson, LAPC
For more information on the Gottman’s check out their podcast, Small Things Often at https://www.gottman.com/podcast/.
References: Gottman, J. M. (2014). The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/about/research/couples/